Building a Positive Circle: 5 Kinds of People for a Healthy Friendship & Thriving Community

5 Kinds of People to Have in Your Life
[00:00:00] FAWN: Welcome back everybody. Hi, it's me, fawn. Hello. 
[00:00:04] MATT: And me Matt. Hello. 
[00:00:06] FAWN: Welcome back. This week I was looking at Instagram and I came across this man who I guess teaches yoga. He's like a, I guess he's a life coach. Whatever he is, he caught my attention.
[00:00:19] MATT: Okay. 
[00:00:20] FAWN: He was talking about. Surrounding yourself with people, certain people.
[00:00:24] FAWN: And he had five people. He said. Surround yourself with these people. 
[00:00:27] MATT: Like an entourage? 
[00:00:29] FAWN: No. 
[00:00:29] FAWN: Oh. Just like the kinds of people that you should surround yourself with. 
[00:00:33] MATT: Oh, okay. 
[00:00:34] FAWN: And I used to not take this in a very good way when people would say, surround yourself with successful people. You know? I remember this college professor told me that I was 19, and he said, If you wanna make it in the world, you have to look at who surrounds you and surround yourself with really good people, talented people, high achievers.
[00:00:58] FAWN: And I was so offended by that at that age that I thought you elitist mean person. That's what I thought about him. 
[00:01:07] MATT: Okay. 
[00:01:08] FAWN: Even though he wasn't. But when he said that to me, I didn't understand it at that age. 
[00:01:14] MATT: Right. Well, and I come from it like, okay, so if I don't know anybody who's successful does that, is that my, is that a problem?
[00:01:23] MATT: Is that my problem? Is that 
[00:01:25] FAWN: Well, yeah. 
[00:01:26] MATT: Is that saying something fundamentally about 
[00:01:28] FAWN: me? You know how they say, if you look at who surrounds you, your friends who surround you, you're the people who surround you. Mm-hmm. You'll find who, what your ideals are or who you are really. What? What are you surrounded by?
[00:01:42] FAWN: And it kind of works the same way, the way we talk about Aikido. What's in your circle? What have you brought into your circle? What do you keep in your circle? As? I'm more experienced now. I understand that. Whereas before, I thought it was a very mean spirited, uncaring, elitist thing to say To say that there are certain people who don't deserve to be in my company.
[00:02:08] FAWN: There are certain people who are losers. 
[00:02:11] MATT: Not good enough. 
[00:02:12] FAWN: Not good enough. Exactly. Thank you. And, um, it, it, it was terrible. I, I thought it was a terrible thing to say to someone who believed that we're here to love everyone.
[00:02:24] MATT: Right. 
[00:02:25] FAWN: But now that I'm more experienced, I understand. And I want certain people around me because as I've gotten through experiences, I'm like, I shouldn't have hung out with that person.
[00:02:37] FAWN: I shouldn't have been in that situation. I should have thought better of myself to not allow myself to go through this hardship. It was unnecessary. I bent over backwards for this person who ended up using me. Didn't care about me, got myself in a bad situation. And I think when people listen to us or they not, not listen to our podcast, but if they, without listening to our podcast, I think when they understand what we're doing before they truly understand, they think, we're saying, oh, let's be friends.
[00:03:10] FAWN: Be friends with everyone. Everyone is your friend and I have said that the world is a small town and everyone's your friend. You have to think that way. Right. I also think at the same time, and help me out here, Matt, because I feel 
[00:03:24] MATT: Uhoh feels like delicate, uh, syntax is coming. Mm-hmm. 
[00:03:27] FAWN: Well, I feel split because as much as every, it's a small town.
[00:03:31] FAWN: The world is a small town, and everyone is your friend at the same time, you need to stay away from some people. Not everyone has the best interest for you, right? Am I saying that right? They don't have you in their be Wait, how do, how do you, what's that term? They have you at their best interest? What is the, what's the term?
[00:03:51] FAWN: I, 
[00:03:51] MATT: I, I, hmm. I don't know. 
[00:03:53] FAWN: You don't know? I know, right? I don't know either. They don't have your best interests at heart. At heart. They don't care. 
[00:04:03] MATT: Not even that. They don't care. It can run the gamut, right? It can get to downright wanting to keep you, hold you back. Like, I'm, I'm just gonna be friends with you so I can keep track, I can count, I can keep score.
[00:04:15] FAWN: And it's usually that way because they were raised in, or they are in a mode where they're in survival, constant survival where you feel such lack that. You think that it's just, I'm gonna do it all for me so I can breathe, so I can survive. So it's very me, me, me, me oriented. Right? Whereas if you're feeling powerful and abundant, yeah, you are more apt to have your arms open, your hands open.
[00:04:48] FAWN: Your heart open. Did I already say that? You did your arms open. You are open to sharing, you are open to giving. It's not like, a race for survival, right? So going back to this person who said, surround yourself with people who, there are five types of people he mentioned, and the first one really made me feel sad because as, as soon as he mentioned it, I thought of people who do that with me. And I thought about, wow, I am the person who.
[00:05:20] FAWN: Usually, unless I'm not near the phone, if the phone rings, I will pick it up. I will talk to you. I will drop what I'm doing and talk to you. I will make time for everyone. So here's the first type of person. He says, surround yourself with people who surround yourself with people who free their time to see you.
[00:05:43] FAWN: And avoid those who only see you in their free time. Ouch. But true. That's big. Mm-hmm. The next one is surround yourself with people who see you at your worst and still see you as the best. 
[00:05:59] MATT: Oh, so he is clever. He is going through clever, uh, alliterations, but it's true. No, no, no. I'm, I'm not saying that at all, but it's almost like he's being clever to be clever.
[00:06:11] FAWN: Number three, surround yourself with people who know and appreciate you, who know your worth and stay away from those who don't.
[00:06:19] FAWN: That can go not only with. I mean, when you think of worth, like yeah, you're, you offer a lot, but like, you know, people who look at your worth, it makes me actually think of like people who see you and you don't look good enough for them, for their circle. You know, you're not tall enough or skinny enough to fit into whatever they're thinking of.
[00:06:43] FAWN: You're not rich enough. You're not. Educated in a certain way for them. You know, you're not living in a certain neighborhood, you don't have a certain aesthetic. Do you know what I'm saying? That also falls into that line of appreciating your worth, right? Number four.
[00:06:59] FAWN: Surround yourself with people who are positive and show kindness to others and avoid those who are negative and speak ill of others. Number five, surround yourself with people who understand it is a privilege to be in your life.
[00:07:14] FAWN: That's what I got. Anyway, I thought it's interesting to know what kind of people we let into our circle. So these are just five examples and I wanted to know what you thought.
[00:07:26] MATT: Yeah, it's interesting. You can look at this all sorts of ways. I immediately leap to one of the things, one of the quotes that I hold onto, especially right now because my work situation is in a little bit of fluxx as far as like, no, things are changing. I'm stepping into a more of a lead leadership role.
[00:07:47] MATT: And so you start thinking about. Teams and teammates and how to grow the team that you want. 'cause you never start with the team you want, but you grow the team that you want. And the team that I want is a team that espouses the whole concept of a rising tide lifts all ships. And that's a very powerful quote.
[00:08:06] MATT: A rising tide lifts all ships. You know, I want a team that, you know so often, people hide behind their skills. Because they don't wanna show you where they're weak or where they need help. Particularly a certain type of, yeah, there's a certain phase in your career where you hit that. But you know, that's a lot of, this is exactly where I wanna be.
[00:08:29] MATT: You know? I wanna be in a place where I'm gonna drop when I'm doing, when any of them needs me. Mm-hmm. I'm not afraid to say I don't know how to do that. So they can see me at my worst because they need to understand that, you're not a God-like figure you can figure it out, but you're not gonna come into it knowing everything about everything.
[00:08:49] MATT: 'cause there's too much to know , in life, in work, in everything. There's just too much to know 
[00:08:55] FAWN: and they also see your worth. And seeing your worth. They know that you are talented. They know that you are good at every, at what you're doing. It doesn't mean that you're not gonna need help.
[00:09:09] FAWN: Right. It doesn't mean that you're gonna be operating like a machine. Right. 
[00:09:14] MATT: And worth is all over the place. Mm-hmm. You know, some people, people contribute in all sorts of ways. Yes. Period. And that friendship and that's everything else. 
[00:09:29] FAWN: Um, you know, I had, um, can I interrupt for a second? Mm-hmm. Or did I interrupt what you were gonna say?
[00:09:33] FAWN: No, no, no. Go ahead. No, just why don't you say what you were going to say. I, no, 
[00:09:37] MATT: that you're right on what I was gonna say. So. 
[00:09:40] FAWN: Well, speaking of judging someone's worth, I remember I always tend to overhear people talk about me, like as they're talking behind my back. A lot of it, it happened a lot in yoga.
[00:09:52] FAWN: When I was getting my training certificate, I would have, I would just overhear people talk about me. It was terrible. Like, oh, I guess everybody can become a yoga teacher now. Look at her. You know? Like, what? Seriously, like this is my background, this is my culture. I don't wanna get into it, but like looking.
[00:10:12] FAWN: They, it's like they, they, what's the word? When they appropriate your culture. Yeah. They appropriate. It was like, really, man. But anyway, on another note, I remember overhearing someone say, why is she an executive here? Right? What is she offering? And I remember one of the higher executives mm-hmm.
[00:10:34] FAWN: Immediately turned to her and I, they were totally talking about me. Because I heard my name and she immediate, the higher up, turned to this other person and said, don't underestimate her. You may not see the value but her mere presence here has changed everything. Basically standing up for me and saying, you may not see in this precise instant.
[00:10:59] FAWN: What she has to offer. But she is valuable. She's highly creative and she brings a lot to the 
[00:11:05] MATT: table, right? And that again, flows right into, when I'm on a high functioning team, when I'm around high functioning friends, if one of them gives me an instruction and doesn't seem to make any sense, I start thinking.
[00:11:20] MATT: Okay. It doesn't make sense because you don't understand it, not because they're wrong. So you need to take another look. You need to rethink it. And then when I still don't understand it, I go to that person and I'm humble and they understand that I really tried to get it. That's happened. So I'm understanding their worth and I'm trying to see things from their 
[00:11:44] FAWN: perspective.
[00:11:45] FAWN: Well, I was gonna say that's happened within our marriage. Hey, I never understood what you were saying. Not never, but a lot of the times, a lot of the times something would be happening, and I can't think of a precise example at the moment, but I would say something and then you would say, yeah, but this is, it's not gonna work because of, you this.
[00:12:06] FAWN: I'm like, no, you're wrong. You are not seeing it, Matt, and what was happening is you were seeing 30 steps ahead. I wasn't seeing it. Not always, but sometimes. But you were so far ahead, like in a few seconds you were able to calculate, if you make this move, this will happen and then this will happen and eventually this will happen.
[00:12:29] FAWN: , I didn't have that foresight. And I think like, and, and I've been listening to you in meetings because you work from home. I'm like, wow, you do it with everyone and most people probably are like, what is he talking about? He just, you know. Right. But they don't get it until a few months later where they end up at that exact conclusion.
[00:12:51] FAWN: You came to six months before, so. Now I can ask you, but I have to ask you. The thing is you don't explain it, right. You just say it and it creates a reaction in me going, no, uh, but to ask someone, well what, how are you coming to this conclusion? And it's hard because sometimes when you come back at me with like, no, that's not gonna work.
[00:13:19] FAWN: Or You have to do it this way. I'm like the hell. You say what? No, you are clearly not understanding me, but it's usually the other way around. I'm not understanding you. And I think we both have to learn to ask questions and we don't, 
[00:13:35] MATT: and I need to learn to slow down, but sometimes I'm at my conclusion, 
[00:13:40] FAWN: no, you don't need to slow down.
[00:13:41] FAWN: You need to explain. How came to, well, I 
[00:13:42] MATT: have to explain how I came to it, which means slowing down. Mm-hmm. But sometimes the problem is, is that I have the conclusion in my head, and if I walk through the 27 steps to get there, I may lose it. 
[00:13:54] FAWN: So like centipedes dilemma 
[00:13:56] MATT: sort of. Yes. You know, and, and then also, you know, certainly positive people.
[00:14:03] MATT: Positivity breeds positivity. And if you focus with the end in mind, you know what you focus on, grows. Positivity is an awesome thing. 
[00:14:11] FAWN: Here's the dangerous part about positivity. Not everyone is able to continue at the positive level all the time. There are ebbs and flows in life. Everybody goes through ups and downs.
[00:14:23] FAWN: Well, 
[00:14:23] MATT: hence the see you at your 
[00:14:24] FAWN: worst. Right? But like surrounding yourself with positive people, if you have that in mind. Mm-hmm. And you're like, well, I'm not gonna hand out with this person. Well, are you truly seeing them as a whole entity? Or are you just judging them without really looking? Right?
[00:14:39] FAWN: Yeah. 
[00:14:39] MATT: Well there's certainly been phases in my life, in our life, which was just a huge kind of bubble of negativity because we're going through what we're going through and it's hard. And you know, I'm sure people who only know me from those times, they're like, whoa. Yeah, the now 
[00:14:57] FAWN: you know What was messed up was we were alone.
[00:15:01] FAWN: We had no community. So if we did talk to people mm-hmm. Yeah. They thought we were negative because we were in it. We had no support. I feel like it takes longer to get out of a negative situation when you don't have community. Well, yeah, 
[00:15:18] MATT: absolutely. You need people around you to just take you out of where you're at and reset your brain at more of a global 
[00:15:27] FAWN: level.
[00:15:28] FAWN: So like for instance, I was talking to Martine a couple days ago. She's like, what have you been up to? I'm like, well, I finished my demo and now I'm sending to agents. She's like, that's amazing. That's great. I don't remember exactly mm-hmm. What she said. Mm-hmm. And then I said, yeah, but. I've sent to a bunch already, what if I never get work?
[00:15:48] FAWN: What if I never get any? She's like, and again, I don't remember her exact words, but, and she's been this way throughout our whole friendship, basically like in a fun way shut up fawn. She'll say, shut up Fawn with her French accent. Martin, I love you so much, but like, not, but, but like when you say, oh, shut up, fawn.
[00:16:10] FAWN: Like, shut up Fawn. The way she says it always makes me laugh, and I've talked about this before and she didn't say Shut up Fawn. She just said, oh no, you are gonna get it. You can't think of it any other way. Right? And you've told me this, the kids have told me this. There was something about Martine
[00:16:30] FAWN: telling me that, that I was like, thank you.
[00:16:33] FAWN: I'm back on track. I'm going to keep my focus. Of course, I'm gonna get the agents.
[00:16:38] FAWN: I forgot what, what were we talking about? 
[00:16:42] MATT: Stay positive yo, or surround yourself with positive people. Um, 
[00:16:46] FAWN: yeah, but, but like, You have to be careful. You have to be careful. You can't disregard everyone, right? Because you, you just, you don't know what they're going through. Truth. And like I said, I feel like the less input you have from other people, the longer it takes to get over situations sometimes, you know, like if you have someone to talk to.
[00:17:10] FAWN: You have a release, it's gone. But if you're going through something on your own, it's harder to carry the load. Right. And not everybody has a community and most people don't. That's why we have this podcast. And also, not everyone can afford a therapist. True. And even if you find a therapist, there are some terrible therapists out there.
[00:17:30] FAWN: Oh my goodness. Anyway next.
[00:17:37] MATT: And then the whole understanding the privilege that it is to have you in their life. That's a nice reciprocal. Yeah, because you have to understand what a privilege it is to have them in yours, and that keeps everybody honest, and that keeps everybody in a place of holding each other in you would say, what was it?
[00:18:01] MATT: Highest light or, mm-hmm. And it's true. You know, when I go hang out, when I go hang out with the guys at the gas station, 
[00:18:11] FAWN: guys, guys, listen, Matt, you know how we go to coffee shops? Matt, Matt and his friends. Go to the gas station for coffee. 
[00:18:22] MATT: Mm. Gas station coffee. Almost as good as gas station sushi. But I'm kidding about the sushi.
[00:18:28] FAWN: I didn't understand it until I went in, so I get it. Okay, go ahead. 
[00:18:32] MATT: I'm sorry. Anyways, everybody's delightful handshakes. How are you doing, sir? Look straight in the eye the whole bit. Mm-hmm. And then of course we start razzing each other, but first we establish everybody's doing okay. Yeah.
[00:18:50] MATT: So, yeah. And it's the same way again in a work environment. Unfortunately. Yes. My brain is wrapped around this right now 'cause I'm, it's a puzzle I'm trying to crack. but yeah, you are just treat everyone with respect, period. That way you're going to, take what they have to say very seriously and act on it.
[00:19:09] MATT: And as soon as they understand how seriously you take it, then they're only gonna bring this serious stuff to you. They're not going to, they have an understanding not to waste your time 'cause you're not gonna waste theirs and et cetera. And it's a good thing.
[00:19:23] FAWN: I think we've gone through all of them, except can we go back to the one about. Surround yourself with people who free their time to see you and avoid those who only see you in their free time. Right? 
[00:19:34] MATT: Yeah, that's a big one, and that's an easy one to get a sense of. 
[00:19:38] FAWN: I disagree. And because we're so busy, everybody's busy.
[00:19:44] FAWN: Remember people who have been with our podcast for years now know, I, I don't talk about it that much anymore, but, When people say the word busy, it's basically saying, F you, right? When I'm, you know, I'm busy, I'm so busy, busy is a four letter word for me. But just having said that, at the same time, time has become so warped, warped that it's hard to manage everything.
[00:20:10] FAWN: So I'm, I'm a little, I don't know. I'm, I'm, I'm torn with this one. I'm torn with this one. See, I'm not, maybe because I don't wanna admit is the clean. There are people who do that To me, this is 
[00:20:22] MATT: the cleanest one to me. It's one thing for me to, , ring up a friend. It is. And them not to pick up.
[00:20:31] MATT: I don't take offense. But if I say I need to talk to you, if they don't drop everything, that's a really big problem for me. But that's what's important is to understand the word need versus want. So, and likewise, I have code with my friends, so call me. Okay, fine. I'll pick up where I won't. Not a big deal.
[00:20:58] MATT: You call me a second time immediately afterwards. Doesn't matter. I pick up. Doesn't matter for them, they pick up. Mm-hmm. Just doesn't matter because again, it's this sense of things tie together and this ties to they understand your worth and they understand what a privilege it is you are. Right. And that's powerful.
[00:21:24] FAWN: And I think the key is to express, to communicate. Hey, I really need you right now. Right. 
[00:21:30] MATT: And that's the key is need. Right. and it's, it is taking the friendship, which is indeed a light, happy thing seriously. 
[00:21:41] FAWN: Mm-hmm. So that's it. That's all I have to say. Anything you wanna add on to anything? How can we end it on a happier notes, tie it to a pretty little bow.
[00:21:52] MATT: Well, honestly, just think through the people in your life. Which are the ones who fit and embrace those people and make sure that they understand how important they are to 
[00:22:08] FAWN: you. Yeah, and again, think about what you want. What is it that you desire? What kind of life do you want? What kind of community do you want?
[00:22:20] FAWN: Focus on that, and then the people are there already. I think that when you become aware of what you really, really want, you start to notice those people and they notice you once you've communicated that with yourself, where it's clear, this is the kind of life I want, this is the kind of community I want.
[00:22:39] FAWN: Okay. 
[00:22:40] MATT: I'm nodding 
[00:22:41] FAWN: my head. I, I really need to drink water we love you so much guys. Thank you for listening. We'll talk to you in just a few days. We love you. Thank you so much for listening. Be well. Reach out to us if you need us. We're here. Bye bye-Bye.