Trusting Life: Friendship, Fear, and Finding Solid Ground

FAWN: [00:00:00] One of the roots of anxiety is trust. - With political arguments, social media conflicts, family tensions, relationship struggles, many people seem to be wondering if we can trust anyone. If it's not governments, institutions, media, doctors, it's everything.

But also friends, neighbors, and even ourselves. And this trust crisis puts us in a survival mode where we can never relax, we can't be authentic and create anything with love. There's a huge hidden cost to having a lack of trust.

When we stop trusting, we stop connecting. When we stop connecting, we become lonely. Let's find a way to trust and relieve some pressure. Let's build a friendlier world

Most of us have experienced hurt and betrayal and misunderstandings. Long-lasting friendships that survive the seasons [00:01:00] survive inevitable disappointment

But it's when after the disappointment, the trust is rebuilt, not from blind faith, not by naive faith, but with a willingness to see flaws, see the humanity, and to know there is good in that person. That is probably where friendship becomes something much bigger than companionship. It becomes an act of hope.

Welcome to our friendly world. Here we go

Hi, everybody. Welcome back to Our Friendly World. Hello. We never introduce ourselves anymore. By now you know I'm Fawn. I'm Matt. Hello. All right. So- ... I've been learning a lot about trust the past 11 years, even, even at times of complete, uh, dis- being distraught.

Someone wrote a book called "Trust," and he handed me the [00:02:00] book. And he told me the times when he was experiencing such, medical hardships where, like, he thought he was gonna die, and he had this epiphany, and it was all trust. It came down to fully trusting, and it, it took me a long time. I'm still trying to understand it, and one of my mentors even said, like...

I'm like: "I don't know. Sometimes I get really angry." He's like: "You know, that's because you don't have trust." Like, even anger is because we don't have trust. We try to control everything, and when we can't, we get angry, right? But going back to friendship, though, Trust is cultivated through consistent actions, trust, trust grows from reliability, from showing up, from keeping your word, from doing what you said you would do. I've learned that there's a connection between truth and faithfulness. When you have faith, you have this grounded knowing that [00:03:00] you can live with steadfastness, have the experience of, reliability, and trustworthiness.

And when, when we do, when we have this faithfulness, we become embodied by this, and we're able to be the good friend

So the question is, what makes you trust a friend? And the simple answer, I mean, you know this, Matt, this is one of the reasons I fell in love with you, is it's through small things. Small actions. I'm being serious. Mm-hmm. Small actions re- Okay ... repeated over time. They call when they say they will.

They keep your confidence. They tell the truth even when it's uncomfortable. They remain present during difficult seasons

-- If you look at it, trust is accumulated. Trust is built and it grows in tiny de-deposits. A friendship, [00:04:00] it's like a f- um, it's like a friendship account. It grows like a financial account. Every kept promise is a deposit. Every broken promise is a withdrawal I was taught that the opposite of trust is not doubt, that the opposite of trust is usually control.

When we don't trust, we try to control by micromanaging, by overseeing everything, by worrying, and we try to get rid of uncertainty, and it- that's kind of impossible because life seems uncertain a lot of the times. So trust requires being vulnerable, and that's really risky, right? Yes, it is. So, I mean, I'm definitely not the, the perfect example of this because I'm a very spooked kind of person.

Right. Nervous, lots of anxiety. Mm-hmm. So [00:05:00] what do you think?

MATT: Okay, so my buddy Steenie always says, "Oh, I'll call you in 10 minutes," or, "I'll call you tomorrow," and he never does. So we have a little problem if we look at friendship solely as a ledger. Now I just laugh at him when he says that because I, I literally know he's not telling me

FAWN: the truth.

Well, he's not doing it on purpose. Like, he's not, he's not disregarding you. I think when he says it, is he's saying really, like, "I really wanna talk to you, but I got this other phone call," or, "I got to work just now. I have to go. I'll call you in 20 minutes." Like, I, I don't think he's being malicious. He's not

MATT: being malicious at all, but he is breaking his word, if you will.

So for me, it goes deeper. We gotta, we gotta go deeper down the rabbit hole, and we have to get into a concept, oh my goodness, called self-trust. Self-trust, trust in yourself, because I know who I am, [00:06:00] because my inner Popeye, et cetera, et cetera. That makes it so that I can make space inside of, uh, my relationship with my buddy for differences, for these hiccups, for these whatevers.

And part of the trick of self-trust is, you have to let go of regrets. You have to not get caught up in the past and not be so worried about the future. You kinda have to... It's like I took my lumps with that, with that, whatever it was, with that exchange that I had in the past, but now I'm gonna let it go.

FAWN: But you can't let go of everything I gotta take,

MATT: I gotta take my lesson and I got, and I certainly took my lumps- Right ... but I'm letting that incident go because that person who that, who exper- who did that to me, or no, that person who had that done to them is no longer me. I've [00:07:00] evolved, I've changed, I've- Because you

FAWN: took the lesson.

That's the key, right? Because,

MATT: because I took the lesson. Exactly.

FAWN: But if you don't take the lesson and you let it happen over and over again- And then- ... that's, that's the problem ... and then

MATT: you're dwelling on it, you're living there. Mm. And that's part of the issue is don't live there, you know? And then, and then the other flip, the flip side of dealing with the bad stuff that comes our way, we also have to kind of rid ourselves of really looking for, tricky word here, excessive approval from others.

We have to let oursel- we have to let go of that.

FAWN: Could you say the last part again about the excessive approval?

MATT: We have to, we have to kind of get rid of, in ourselves, the need for excessive, and that's the tricky word, approval from others because, you know, walk your path.

FAWN: Why do you think that is, though, that we want approval to an excessive amount?

Because we don't trust ourselves, so we want someone to acknowledge that?

MATT: Exactly, and [00:08:00] that's helping us let go of that. To me, those are the fundamentals for, being able to, again, creating space for , inside of, an interpersonal relationship for differences, for challenges, for, you know, malarkey, you know, or game playing or whatever it is on their part.

I'm not gonna do that myself, but seeing that in the other person and being able to get almost comfortable and have an understanding that maybe they can't meet me on the same level, but we can still have a relationship. Now, this is probably not a good idea for a romantic relationship for long term, but, you know, certainly I do have casual friends.

I have friends I only talk about sports with. I have, you know, different levels of relationships, and it's a decision that c- is come to between the two of us, if we choose to deepen it much exactly the same way you would do a, a romantic relationship. And, there's all those checks and balances and guards about it.

But [00:09:00] basically it's, it's about living right now. Not worried about the past, not, not, I'm sorry, not worried about the future, not dwelling on the past, but living right now, right here.

FAWN: That's really hard for me.

MATT: I know. I know. We went through that yesterday, right?

FAWN: Yeah. Something happens and you go right...

W- I, I'll just say me. I go right back to the trauma.

MATT: Right.

FAWN: And I can't hear or see anything.

MATT: Right.

FAWN: I, and, and I notice that I was trying to be calm, but a part of me didn't wanna be calm because I wanted the people around us to understand that the situation was, uh, could have been dire.

MATT: Right.

FAWN: And I wanted some help You know, I, I, I, or, or at least for people to understand [00:10:00] our actions were because it could have been a dire situation.

You know, we had to leave a recital in the middle of this kid singing. That's

MATT: pretty messed up.

FAWN: Because we didn't know if we were having a medical issue. Um, but, you know, the, it was just- Everything's fine, by the way ... thank God. Um, but it, yeah, it was scary and I, the, yeah, trust, all of that went out the window.

But again, it comes w- it's not just friendship, it's with everything. It's hard to... It's, it's hard to be graceful-

MATT: Right ...

FAWN: when you don't have trust. Right. And yeah, you're right. I mean, because You're right. Matt is holding up both fists in the air. Woo-hoo. I'm right. Well, yeah, you are. Because, ... we can't trust everything. There's so much propaganda. There's so much AI slop. Is that what they call it? Yes. Slop? [00:11:00] Um, we can't trust anything that we see. Uh, things are slanted to make you believe certain things or make you afraid of everything so that you're more controlled, right? And, and so when we don't know who to trust, I don't even trust doctors anymore.

Right. In my case, good reason. And I've had to take everything on myself. I've had to do everything myself. and when things get scary, it's hard to trust myself because if, if I can't trust these professionals or if I can't trust anything, then w- how do I know what the right thing is to do?

So the trust in myself, you know, the, the confidence in myself isn't always there either, and that's the problem. So-

MATT: And that's, that's what's to work on.

FAWN: And how do we do that? And yeah, it, it starts with us, with our own selves, to be a good friend to yourself, [00:12:00] to, to have understanding for yourself, to have compassion for yourself.

You- And respect for yourself. Exactly, yeah. Then once we have that, of course, it's... That's when you have it for others. When you have love for others is when you have love and you feel love yourself. But, um, what, what do you think the key is to become more, not self-aware, but become self-trusting?

MATT: You gotta let that stuff go.

You gotta let the past stay in the past. You gotta take your lumps. You know, you've taken your lumps. Learn, and sometimes it takes multiple times to learn, ain't I right? Um, learn the lessons and move on. Mm. You know,, it's literally about not sailing down the river of denial, but [00:13:00] darn close.

All the stuff that happened in the past happened in the past. This is the now. Let's be here.

FAWN: And trust your gut feelings perhaps? Or is that the wrong thing to do? Uh, d-

MATT: see, trusting your gut feelings- 'Cause your gut can

FAWN: tell, steer you wrong- Well, here's- ... based on your past experience. And

MATT: that's just it.

Did you take the lesson and move on, or are you kind of fidgeting with your entire past all over again?

FAWN: I guess that requires a lot of sitting in quiet, because w- to learn your lesson, you have to really sit and think about it, and we're busy. I- it, seriously. Yeah, I'm not fighting you. That... No, no, I, I'm just saying that for myself.

I'm like, wow, I really... There are so many lessons every day, all day. It feels like that how, how can I s- understand what the lesson is? [00:14:00] You know, I don't want a big thump on my head. I don't. I don't want that kind of lesson. Right. I want to learn easily. Right. Um, so I guess I have to be open with it and trust that I can learn easily.

I can just comprehend, just let it flow.

MATT: Right.

FAWN: And having the desire will hopefully create , the surroundings or create the situation for me to get the lesson maybe. Is that possible?

MATT: That is possible. I think that's very possible. And be confident in, , the fact that, you've walked the earth how many years, and you're still here, and, you're still moving, and you're still hopeful.

These are all wonderful things.

FAWN: And trust in a higher power too, that everything's, everything is divinely orchestrated.

MATT: Yes. I would- So- ... I would agree with that. And I would also say the other, to me, one of the other key things is you've learned your, you've taken your lumps, you've learned your lesson. [00:15:00] Now apply that knowledge to specific situations, but don't generalize.

Just because, you know, every boss you had has been awesome doesn't mean the new boss will. Just because you met a really cool person at this spot doesn't mean the next person you meet there is gonna be cool too. Don't generalize.

FAWN: We have to think. We have to be independent thinkers.

We can't be naive. We have to look with a clear lens.

MATT: Yes. As clear as we can make it, yes. Yeah.

FAWN: Cool, Matt. Your hands are up. Okay, I'm done too. I think I, I need to, I think we should stop. You need to sit with that one, don't you? Yeah. I think I wanna sit with it. Mm-hmm. So you too? Yes, of course. Okay. All right.

Thank you for listening, everybody. Have a beautiful every day.

MATT: Be well.