May 8, 2023

Unleashing and Untethering Self-Identity within Friendships/Relationships for Survival

Unleashing and Untethering Self-Identity within Friendships/Relationships for Survival

As life happens, everybody fights, everybody argues everybody has a bad day. It's like people don't allow each other to flex and expand and contract. Oftentimes we get so focused and like we draw so much strength from things we've done in the past that have made sense for us that we can't conceive of a world where that doesn't make sense anymore.
When you have misunderstandings, people misunderstand and they think it's the end of the friendship or the end of the relationship, but in reality, there's so much to unpack because everybody is experiencing their own life, their own interpretation of things, their own stresses, and everybody looks circumstances through the lens of their own past experiences. It's like you're not allowed to have three dimensions. You're only allowed to have two. And then some cases, one dimension. You have to be flexible. You have to go with the flow. It's the only way to thrive. Neither one of us can say anything with certainty's. That's the fun part. That's the challenging part, that's the wonder of it. That's life. It's a good idea to be strong in your convictions and beliefs but only to the point where if they start getting challenged, you need to really take a good hard look and figure out whether or not it makes sense or doesn't make sense. We see this within famalies, where people don't want to hear or look at the change, they won't accept it. They don't, they don't accept you because you are not their way; how parents don't want to understand their children because they're doing things in a way that's not done, that they didn't do it “right”. When things aren't done their way, when thoughts and ideas don't match their way, it threatens their self-identity. And that's where the friction comes in. That's where the separation comes in. That's why, families don't get along. I mean, HELLO, politics anyone in the United States?! How can we deal with this?

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As life happens, everybody fights, everybody argues everybody has a bad day. It's like people don't allow each other to flex and expand and contract. Oftentimes we get so focused and like we draw so much strength from things we've done in the past that have made sense for us that we can't conceive of a world where that doesn't make sense anymore.

When you have misunderstandings, people misunderstand and they think it's the end of the friendship or the end of the relationship, but in reality, there's so much to unpack because everybody is experiencing their own life, their own interpretation of things, their own stresses,
and everybody looks circumstances through the lens of their own past experiences. It's like you're not allowed to have three dimensions. You're only allowed to have two. And then some cases, one dimension.

You have to be flexible. You have to go with the flow. It's the only way to thrive. Neither one of us can say anything with certainty's. That's the fun part. That's the challenging part, that's the wonder of it. That's life.

It's a good idea to be strong in your convictions and beliefs but only to the point where if they start getting challenged, you need to really take a good hard look and figure out whether or not it makes sense or doesn't make sense.

We see this within famalies, where people don't want to hear or look at the change, they won't accept it. They don't, they don't accept you because you are not their way; how parents don't want to understand their children because they're doing things in a way that's not done, that they didn't do it “right”. When things aren't done their way, when thoughts and ideas don't match their way, it threatens their self-identity. And that's where the friction comes in. That's where the separation comes in. That's why, families don't get along. I mean, HELLO, politics anyone in the United States?!

How can we deal with this? I think we really need to back to the self-identity thing, number one, should we just examine, Hey, is my identity wrapped up in this? Maybe it shouldn't be.
Think of different ways where we're so tied. We're so leashed and tethered to self-identity that we refuse to grow because we just need to hold on to something.

Sometimes you have to have the mindset of I'm ready to head out on the highway for them to start to listen to you. Sometimes people only come to recognition that things aren't the way they perceive it.



#ChangeAndAdapt, #transform, #BlockbusterVideo, #Netflix, #Redbox, #RedboxKiosk, #9/11, #SantaMonica, #Self-Identity, #PeopleThatDon'tLikeChange, #theUntetheredIdentity

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Transcript

Unleashing and Untethering Self Identity
[00:00:00] FAWN: My mellow has gotten harsh. 
[00:00:03] MATT: My fault. 
[00:00:05] FAWN: No, it was just life. Um, we were so excited. I was so excited in a, in a chipper mood to talk about the podcast today, our episode today. But Matt and I got into a misunderstanding Remember, we had a friend. Who would use that word? Misunderstanding what it, but what it actually meant was like a full-on fist bite.
[00:00:27] MATT: Well, this was not, 
[00:00:28] FAWN: no it wasn't. But do you reremember I always thought that was funny. Like, are we, are they about to have a misunderstanding? But she meant like a full-on raging gun fight. Uh, I'm sorry, I'm laughing. I shouldn't be laughing. Uh, at a gun fight. Ugh. American culture guys. Um, alright. Today we're talking about self-identity.
[00:00:51] FAWN: And what I wanted to talk about was all the stuff that I noticed the past week but then I don't know what happened, but I was trying to make my point, like we were about to hit record and I was talking to Matt and we just got into a fight, an argument. 
[00:01:09] MATT: Again, my fault. 
[00:01:10] FAWN: So now I've been crying and Matt's been holding it in the way he does 
[00:01:16] MATT: and trying to look very cute.
[00:01:19] FAWN: Delightful, but whatever. So we just took what an hour Matt, trying to explain to me, UN other, 
[00:01:27] MATT: untangle it. 
[00:01:27] MATT: Yeah, we were. Trying to untangle it,
[00:01:31] FAWN: but, but it also comes back to what I wanted to talk about today. When you have misunderstandings, people misunderstand and they think it's the end of the friendship or the end of the relationship, but in reality, there's so much to unpack because everybody is experiencing their own
[00:01:49] FAWN: life, their own interpretation of things, their own stresses, 
[00:01:53] MATT: and everybody looks through it through the lens of their own past experiences. 
[00:01:57] FAWN: Like Matt and I work together in the same room. He's literally three feet away from me, but he's in a different world than my world. You know, in our family, my stresses are different than his stresses.
[00:02:13] FAWN: And we're working together for the same goal, but like we have completely different views on things. And to top it off, we're an interracial couple. So you see things as a six foot four white man with long hair and blue 
[00:02:29] FAWN: eyes, 
[00:02:29] MATT: dashing white suburbanite. 
[00:02:32] FAWN: And here I am, you know, like totally different perspective.
[00:02:36] FAWN: Anyway, I wanted to share with you guys things I've noticed the past week, usually, I don't know if you know this about me, but I tend to pick up on things way before things happen, like. Before 9/11, I was feeling stuff and I was surrounded by friends who were also sensitive like me. And so we would call each other and go, are you feeling something?
[00:03:00] FAWN: Yeah, I'm feeling something big. What is it? Is it me? Is it like, do you think it's us or is it, are we picking up on the world? So we would get together and discuss things, right? But ever since we moved from Santa Monica, I haven't had that kind of group. You know, and friendship has totally taken a turn in our society since then.
[00:03:24] FAWN: So I decided last week that I'm just going, I, I found through a friend of ours, um, I overheard a conversation and they were talking about the store that they went to, and I'm like, what? I didn't know that kind of store existed. So we ended up going. Hi, Allegra. Allegra's here. So we ended, I, we ended up checking this store out and it was wonderful.
[00:03:48] FAWN: It was Enchantment another cute place in this beautiful, cute little town that we live in. And so I went in there and they were doing this thing get together a bunch of like-minded people and they talk about their intentions and how they're feeling. They sit in a circle and.
[00:04:09] FAWN: It's kind of like yoga, but without doing the poses. It's just talking about your emotions and manifesting what you want in your life.
[00:04:18] FAWN: So I went to this thing with the hopes of making new friends and also it was a cool thing to do, right? Mm-hmm. It was the kind of stuff that I used to do with our friends in Santa Monica. so I went and the first thing, I'm new to the group.
[00:04:35] FAWN: And the head of this, the beautiful woman who leads this, who owns the shop, asked everyone how they were feeling and she wasn't asking the way people are like, how are you? Fine, thank you. You know, it wasn't like that. It was legit, like, what are you guys picking up on? And everyone was kind of quiet and I was new.
[00:04:54] FAWN: I'm like, You know, it would be nice for me to not speak for once, like, let me just sit back. But of course I couldn't help myself, so I'm like, I raised my hand. And, uh, she's like, yes. I'm like, well, I feel rage. And everybody kind of looked at me And I'm, and I'm, and I'm thinking to myself, oh no, they're probably gonna think I'm crazy.
[00:05:19] FAWN: But I didn't care. So I kept saying, well, I'm feeling rage and I'm seeing things in my life that are definitely, um, making me feel this way, but I normally don't have this reaction. And usually when it's like that for me, I'm, I'm picking up on things that are happening in the world, things that I may not be aware of, but I can sense it.
[00:05:45] FAWN: And as soon as I said rage and, and started to briefly describe it, everybody in unison was like, me too. Everybody was nodding. And so I felt comfortable to say what I was picking up on. Right, right. now what happened was, as I was going through the week, And speaking with different friends, neighbors, whatever.
[00:06:10] FAWN: I was noticing things that were popping up. For example, I was noticing how people repeat themselves in one conversation, and if you have a lot to do, Even if you don't have a lot to do. I don't understand this. Matt, why do people keep repeating the same thing? Let me explain cuz you know what I'm talking about, Matt, because I, it's my, one of my pet peeves is when you're having a conversation with someone, let's say you go up to this person and you say, Hey person, um, do you, can you tell me where I can find sugar?
[00:06:42] FAWN: And then they'll say something like, well, This is what happens when you go buy sugar. You go buy sugar and the sugar is A, X, Y, and Z. They'll say that same line 10 times like you've never heard it, and why are they keeping you there? Is it because there's a lack of other conversation that they can have, but they want you there for company?
[00:07:10] FAWN: What is it? Because they keep and everyone. I had to deal with in the neighborhood was doing the same thing, not about the same topic either. Like I even met a stranger who came into the neighborhood . Again, same thing, like kept repeating the same thing about, uh, advice they were trying to give me.
[00:07:31] FAWN: And I wonder if it's because. I'm very lax about it. So if the person is saying, you should have your kids sign up for soccer or baseball, right? And I'm like, oh, that's interesting. Yes, I, I'm aware that homeschoolers can do that. Yeah, definitely. But she repeated that most of the conversation we had, which was for 10 minutes, kept repeating that to me.
[00:07:56] FAWN: Like I never heard her say that before. Homeschoolers. Even though you're homeschooling, you can sign up for soccer and baseball. I got it. But I wonder if it's because I'm passive that I don't say I hate soccer and baseball and so do my kids. That's a no. I don't like to do that. Because another thing I've noticed the past week is when you speak with certain people, their first inclination is to say no to everything.
[00:08:24] FAWN: I was literally standing in the yard talking to a friend. I said, look, I see raindrops. And the, and the friend said, no, you don't. No, there's, it's not raining. And that's when I realized, wow, every time I talk to this person and this friend of mine, it is always, uh, the con, it, it's always, what, what's the word?
[00:08:46] FAWN: Uh, confrontation. No. Um, the rebuttal is always, it begins with a no. Oh, I got this hose. That's no good. She didn't even know what kind of hose I got for the garden. She said, no, it's not. It's no good like it, but it, it's 
[00:09:06] MATT: just, that breaks all the rules of improv. How could they do that? See, there's too much to untangle there.
[00:09:11] MATT: You've just thrown out a whole bunch of stuff. 
[00:09:13] FAWN: Stuff. Listen, I'm just trying to take. I'm just trying to take all of you through all the things I noticed this week in human behavior 
[00:09:20] MATT: and there's a lot to unpack, 
[00:09:21] FAWN: but let me just finish. Okay. 
[00:09:23] MATT: Oh, dear. 
[00:09:23] FAWN: So this, this thing about being, um, this thing with repetition, which I don't understand, can you guys explain it to me?
[00:09:33] FAWN: It happened so many times this week. So we had a painter show up because we have to paint our house. Lovely man. No. Oh, 
[00:09:41] MATT: I'm sorry. The first one, evil 
[00:09:42] FAWN: man. The first painter was terrible and he came with the highest recommendation. So I was like, cool. He comes up and the first thing he says to me is, I hope you're gonna move soon.
[00:09:55] FAWN: You're gonna move, right? 
[00:09:56] MATT: Wait, you didn't pay cash for this house, did you? 
[00:09:58] FAWN: I'm like, no. And he's like, oh God, I hope you didn't pay that much for your house. I'm like, what? 
[00:10:07] MATT: People love to say that to us, don't they? 
[00:10:09] FAWN: And then he, and then he goes further and he says, this, this place is falling apart. This is terrible.
[00:10:14] FAWN: Look at this. This is gonna take me forever to paint. This is terrible. I have to scrape. I have to like, he kept saying, this is terrible. Your house is terrible. He kept repeating that and I legit stopped him five times. I said, I heard you. My house is crap. I was repeating exactly what he said. I repeated back to him what he told me.
[00:10:38] FAWN: I said, could you just gimme a quote and just let's go on our merry way. Just let me know. I've heard you, you've said now several times, my house is crap. He still didn't get it. And then he's like, well, I think it's gonna cost $11,000 at least. I'm like, whoa. First of all, this house is very small. Very small.
[00:11:00] FAWN: Okay. So I noticed the neighbor, my friend, across the way, and I had to take the pressure off cuz now it's been 20 minutes and he's said so many times, the house is crap. It's terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, right? And so I, I had to shake it off. So I'm like, yo, Guess what? $11,000. And I thought she would be outraged.
[00:11:26] FAWN: Like, oh my God, what? No. So she comes over. So this is the one 
[00:11:30] MATT: time that they didn't say No, 
[00:11:35] FAWN: that's true. That's true. The one time she didn't say 
[00:11:38] MATT: no to me. There you go. I finally got her to 
[00:11:41] FAWN: laugh. Oh my God. So she now comes over and the person, the painter is now talking to her and they're leaving me back and they're going walking and he keeps saying, this is terrible.
[00:11:55] FAWN: This is terrible. And she's like, I agree, I agree. I'm like, dang. And I'm stuck there. And, but mind you, I have work to do. Like this is now 30 minutes of the same stuff being repeated. Please guys, help me understand human nature in this case. Like this is not the only example, you know, like people just repeating themselves.
[00:12:16] FAWN: It's just one example. So I had to say, Um, I'm the client here. Can you please talk to me? That's my neighbor. It's, this is my house, that is crap. So just give me a quote. And he started all over again. This is terrible. This I have to scrape. Oh, this is, it's just, it's terrible. I said, look, if you don't wanna do it, fine.
[00:12:44] FAWN: He's like, well, I have some. And he made a derogatory statement about another culture coming in and doing the, the job for cheaper, right? So I was like, okay, you are an immigrant yourself, so now you're gonna get down on another culture. Like, do you understand what I'm trying to not say what he said, cuz I don't even wanna repeat what he said.
[00:13:08] FAWN: So that's when I had to say to him, I'm done. If you wanna send me a quote. Great, thank you. We're done. Bye. I come in the house, you all the kids, you and the kids were like, what happened? Cuz I was fuming. 20 minutes later, after I come in, he's still standing in front of the house talking to the neighbor.
[00:13:30] FAWN: And this is when the rage started to really build for me because my humanity and love for humanity had gone. I wanted to yell at him, get off my lawn. You at M effer for like all the choice, bad words possible to just throw at him, but I didn't. I wanted to, but the rage was building, but. That was just my perspective in life, but I was feeling rage in all ways.
[00:14:01] FAWN: So when I was sitting with this nice group in this beautiful place, everyone else was feeling rage also. I feel like we are, I talk about this all the time, that we're so connected, interconnected, that when one first person is feeling this way, it's not just about your. Perspective in your own circle, chances are you're also picking up on everything else that's happening in the world, things that you may not even be aware of.
[00:14:29] FAWN: So that was happening. Another thing was, so now this neighbor comes to me a couple days later she says something to me, and I repeated it to you and you knew my history, Matt. So we started to laugh about it. So she comes up to me, she's like, you don't look happy. Oh, and I would get that 
[00:14:48] MATT: them's fighting words.
[00:14:50] FAWN: For me, those are fighting words because I would get that when I worked in corporate all the time. When I worked in corporate offices. People were backstabbing, mean, horrible, uncaring. And I'm very empathetic and I just wanna get along. I'm just like, you know, bubbly, whatever. But if, if people mistreat people, I can't be bubbly anymore.
[00:15:18] FAWN: I, I ju and, and it's not like I turn mean I turn very professional. Right. Do you know what I'm 
[00:15:24] MATT: saying? Right. But when you turn very professional, it's like you're stern. Everybody has that assumption that, um, you know, you have your work face on or you have your other face on, you don't have faces. And like, literally like, um, at our favorite coffee spot, there's a, a barista and her name is Jen.
[00:15:44] MATT: Jennifer 
[00:15:45] FAWN: Love her 
[00:15:46] MATT: and smile light. She's got like a 10,000 watts smile. And so when I go to the counter and I order something, very nice, and then sometimes I take breaks out on the floor with the regular people and I started to have a conversation with her, and then she, she told me I'm an introvert.
[00:16:04] MATT: You know, sometimes it's exhausting for me to talk to people and you know what, this was her time. I was like, cool, I'm just gonna leave you alone, because that's her time. She's not on the clock, be you. I'm not gonna be offended. Right. Because you're not there to please me. And here's when it's your time.
[00:16:24] FAWN: Exactly. And here's the thing, you heard her say that. So when people ask me you don't look happy, I'll say, well, this is why. This is what happened. And they're like, oh yeah. And then the. Two minutes later, you don't look happy. It's, it's psychotic. It's like, you're making me feel crazy. Right? And now I'm getting angry at you.
[00:16:45] FAWN: Right now I'm feeling like, what can I, I told you I'm, I'm totally being professional. It's not like I'm cursing anybody out. I'm being professional, but I don't have that like going kind of thing that you tend to 
[00:17:00] MATT: give. Do you know what I'm saying? Give early on until people assume that's your work 
[00:17:04] FAWN: face.
[00:17:04] FAWN: Well, well that's how I am normally, but if some stuff goes down right, I can't be that 
[00:17:09] MATT: way. Right. And And people get confused by you actually being 
[00:17:13] FAWN: a human being, but they misunderstand. So it's a misunderstanding. Even though I explained to them, look, this is what's happening right now. This is what happened with the yoga bitches.
[00:17:22] FAWN: I told them specifically, look, if you see me in class, I'm not okay. They saw me in class. I said hello in a very subdued way. They got all offended and when we, when class was over and I left, I said goodbye, but in a very low tone way. Totally got offended. Get home. There are nasty messages on my machine.
[00:17:46] FAWN: Right? How dare you treat us like that, right? Because, because I wasn't my 
[00:17:49] MATT: normal, like, because you're, you're, you're, you're not allowed to be. Anything apart from this tiny little box that I put you in, you're not allowed to have three dimensions. You're only allowed to have two. And then some cases, one dimension.
[00:18:03] MATT: And 
[00:18:03] FAWN: that's what's getting to the point of this episode, is self-identity, but it goes into so many different facets. So they have an identity that they put me into, like this box that they put me into, 
[00:18:16] MATT: teeny tiny usually. 
[00:18:17] FAWN: And as time goes on and you know, life happens. Everybody fights, everybody argues everybody has a bad day, but that's not okay for someone who's bubbly or that's not okay for someone like me or you.
[00:18:31] FAWN: It's, it's like people don't allow each other to flex and expand and contract 
[00:18:38] MATT: and be a-hole sometimes,
[00:18:39] FAWN: and they, not even that, like I was not an a-hole to anyone, not even to the painter I should have been an a-hole to, but they take it personally. So now I feel like Kathy's upset with me and Joyce is upset with me all because they saw me not bubbly.
[00:18:58] FAWN: Right? Do you know what I'm saying? Absolutely. Or because I had to take my myself and gather myself and be quiet. So I don't know how to deal with that anymore because I don't have a lot to do now more than ever before. So I don't have time to like go, Hey, you know, woo, woo, woo. Try to explain to them that everything's okay, or you 
[00:19:24] MATT: know, because cuz they won't hear for 
[00:19:25] FAWN: starters, um, they won't hear.
[00:19:28] FAWN: And now I don't have the capacity to handle whatever grief that they're going through. Because on their end, they're also experiencing stuff, right? 
[00:19:38] MATT: Absolutely. 
[00:19:39] FAWN: So the way that they're seeing me not being happy is really a mirror for themselves. They're not happy. Do you know what I'm saying? So I have to unpack that and not be so, um, I can't take things personally, like I'm saying, they're taking things personally.
[00:19:57] FAWN: Mm-hmm. But I have to pull everything inside of myself to now be there for them. I don't have the capacity for that right now. Right, right. And so I can see how a friendship now can go either way. It can break because, you know, I'm, I'm tired. They're tired, 
[00:20:17] MATT: and everybody's holding way too many expectations on the other side.
[00:20:21] MATT: So 
[00:20:21] FAWN: I have to at least take all this time to gather myself, to think about this situation, know how am I gonna handle this? Because I don't want the friendship to break. But I understand that they don't have the capacity. Now I can see that they're just looking at me. Right. In a very flat way. anyway, so that's just one aspect of what this episode is about.
[00:20:41] FAWN: And we wanna also talk about not being flexible, you know, to hear another option like, , the whole no thing. Like, you try to say something or you're trying to do something and the person doesn't want to hear it. Like, case in point, a friend, we went to the store together and one of our kids was in the car with me, with us.
[00:21:05] FAWN: I was driving. When we came back, there was a lot of heavy bags, like, , soil and stuff, like 50 pound bags of soil, and we had nine of these bags. We pull into the neighborhood. Mm-hmm. And so my friend wants me to park in the street right by the garage. And if I would, if I had done that, I felt like I was blocking traffic.
[00:21:29] FAWN: I didn't wanna do that right. In my mind, I knew exactly what to do cuz we've moved so many times. I know how to move heavy stuff. And we have like this special dolly that goes right up to the car and with two people I can shimmy stuff over to the cart. And then roll it to the garage. Right. And 
[00:21:46] MATT: this thing will take a 
[00:21:47] FAWN: lot of weight.
[00:21:48] FAWN: Yeah. , and the way my friend wanted to do it was to get either you or her husband, but not her husband, cuz her husband's back was out and then your shoulder was out My shoulder kind of sucks right now. Yeah. So, um, I didn't wanna do that, you know, and I didn't wanna depend on men to do it. I can do it myself, you know, so I could tell the panic that was building in my friend.
[00:22:13] FAWN: The stress that she was feeling because she wanted to do it her way only. Right? She wasn't even giving me one breath to try to explain why I'm pulling into the parking spot. She didn't wanna hear that I had a plan and I kept trying to say, I have a plan and I have a plan. But it was like, Escalating to the point where I was worried cuz I could sense her blood pressure like rising because of all the stress she's been feeling.
[00:22:42] FAWN: Mm-hmm. Right? Mm-hmm. She didn't wanna hear it, she wanted to do it her way and it wasn't going anywhere. And she's like, let's just get Matt. I'm like, please understand, I can't have Matt do this Matt's shoulder is off right now. I ke so she wasn't hearing me and I even tried to shush her in a very calm way.
[00:23:02] FAWN: Like sh please let me explain. No, wasn't hearing it. So, because I wasn't feeling heard, I just left the car and I said, Allegra help me And Allegra's on it. Like Allegra knows cuz we moved, you know so many times. Right, exactly. And so we go open the garage, comes the dolly and allegra and I put all the bags onto the cart and we rolled it to my friend's garage.
[00:23:26] FAWN: Right? And there was no, there was no apology. Like, oh, you were right. Thank you. 
[00:23:34] MATT: No, of course not. Why would there be? Why should you even expect that? 
[00:23:37] FAWN: Oh my goodness. But see, if I wasn't me, that would make me mad. And that would be a deal breaker, another misunderstanding. It's one 
[00:23:46] MATT: of those cases where we always, we'll have this conversation once in a while, like do not expect to get any satisfaction out of this.
[00:23:53] MATT: You know, communication or in this dialogue you have with somebody, cuz when you go at certain businesses and try and get them to correct, stuff they're doing that's messed up. They never say, I'm sorry. 
[00:24:04] FAWN: And then if they don't say sorry, then all of a sudden they take credit for what you just did sometimes, which happened also.
[00:24:12] FAWN: Anyway. So I'm just trying to understand this kind of behavior and it comes back to how can we still get along and have friendships when this kind of dynamic is always happening, right? It's not just with, it's with everyone. Everyone goes through these things in life, maneuvering through life. Wow.
[00:24:34] FAWN: Like didn't even say thank you.
[00:24:39] FAWN: Instead said, oh, that's a nice cart
[00:24:45] FAWN: when it was all done. Right. No, you were right. No. Like something, you know, like Thank you. A thank you would've been great, right? So anyway. Huh. And so going back to the whole self-identity thing, we were also noticing in all the interactions we've both had this week, that people tend to want things done a certain way.
[00:25:14] FAWN: Or they tell you, this is the way things have been done. And we're saying, yeah, this thing was done in the past, but things change. So for example, on the side of our house is common ground, right? And so there's an HOA and they're supposed to take care of stuff. And so what we're being told is they're not gonna take care of it.
[00:25:40] FAWN: So you can take over that land. 
[00:25:43] MATT: Without taking over that land. 
[00:25:45] FAWN: Right. So there, so I called a landscaper. I'm like, how much would it cost to fix this situation? Because all these trees have rotted. There's like huge bushes that are like dry and like taking, they're still growing too. Like it's some sort of weed.
[00:26:03] FAWN: I don't know. It's taking over everything, it could easily take over the little tiny yard that we have. So, Lo and behold, everything costs about six to $11,000. And so we're like, wait a minute. Why should we spend like $8,000 when we made it all nice and planted some stuff and the HOA comes in and says, that's our land.
[00:26:27] FAWN: You know, you can't do you. You can't plant that there. So all the investment is for what? And so our friends are saying, don't worry about it, because in the past they don't do that. And we're thinking until they, until they do. Until they do. And you know, we've moved enough to know that life is always changing just because something, and this goes for the corporate world too.
[00:26:51] FAWN: We all have worked with people that are like, this will, this will never happen. But like the world has changed, the climate has changed. The world is constantly changing. The, the social fabric of like how companies run businesses has changed. And so you can't stay with that same attitude of like, this is the way things are done.
[00:27:13] FAWN: It'll never be any different. That's not true. And when they find out that things are different, that's when people get all upset or fight. they can't handle the change. Right. They can't be flexible. And you said something interesting this morning that. It's because they're wrapped up.
[00:27:34] FAWN: It's all wrapped up in their own self-identity. How did you explain that, Matt? Can you get into that? Right. 
[00:27:43] MATT: Oftentimes we get so focused and like we draw so much strength from things we've done in the past that have made sense for us that we can't conceive of a world where that doesn't make sense anymore.
[00:27:57] MATT: And so, the easiest cases are things like when I talk about Blockbuster Video, so I'll do that again. Blockbuster video, huge video chain, my God, every street corner, whatever you want to call it, right? And, but they ignored streaming and Netflix 
[00:28:11] FAWN: destroyed them. Well explain what happened. So they had some executives that said, Hey, we see a future where, People don't buy DVDs.
[00:28:21] FAWN: They don't come in or rent DVDs. Yeah. Or rent, I'm sorry. Rent DVDs. It's not a physical thing to take, to have in your hands. Let's get into something that's kind of like, it wasn't called live streaming by then. It it back 
[00:28:34] MATT: then streaming existed at that point 
[00:28:36] FAWN: though. But they were saying it would just happened through.
[00:28:39] FAWN: The internet through the internet somehow. And so blockbuster's, executives were saying, if I'm right, if I, you know, whatever, keep going. They said, no, that's not how we do things. And that's not how it's going to be. And also we like to make money off of, late fees. So when people still have the DVDs in their homes and don't make it back to the store, we rely on Cha Chun.
[00:29:06] FAWN: We rely on those fees. Right, right. And so we don't wanna give that up. So anyway, they said, no, no, no. Again, with the no's Correct. Again, with the no's and with the thinking that life will always stay the way you think. Right. And do you see a blockbuster anywhere now? And who came along? A live streaming or a streaming movie experience?
[00:29:30] FAWN: Netflix. 
[00:29:30] MATT: And now there's 85 Netflixes, basically. And they're all. Probably making an interesting amount of money, although there is an irony there. There is not necessarily a silver lining, but I found out recently that uh, um, there's another company called Redbox and they do rent out DVDs and they rent 'em out of kiosks.
[00:29:49] MATT: Mm-hmm. Okay. And we've done this before too, right? Right. Um, they are trying to buy Netflix's send you DVD d business that they're about to completely sunset cuz they still have that service available. Shh. Don't tell anybody. And the thing is, is they have found a space where that makes sense for them.
[00:30:08] MATT: But it's still not a Blockbuster video store. It's a Redbox kiosk. And we used to see these places we supermarket lived at, at like outside of pharmacies. And actually they're finding a lot of success putting these machines into Dollar Generals. So they're, they're finding their demographic. But again, 
[00:30:26] FAWN: but it's, again, it's that demographic constantly changing.
[00:30:30] FAWN: And, but that's, so basically they're trying to target the people that don't like change. They want things done all the way, but that's still gonna die off. They're gonna, that culture don't know. 
[00:30:39] MATT: And, and that's the fun part. Neither one of us can say anything with certainty's. That's the fun part. That's the challenging part.
[00:30:46] MATT: And that's the, that's the wonder 
[00:30:48] FAWN: of it. That's life. Right. And that's martial arts too, You have to be flexible. You have to go with the flow. It's the only way to thrive, right? Is, you know, Bruce Lee said it all the time, be like water. Like, oh, let's go this way. Oh, there's an obstacle here.
[00:31:06] FAWN: Let's go around it. You know, water can shape things that are massive, hard, like rocks. 
[00:31:14] MATT: It's a good idea to be strong in your convictions and beliefs but only to the point where if they start getting challenged, you need to really take a good hard look and figure out whether or not it makes sense or doesn't make sense.
[00:31:29] MATT: I mean, for somebody to say, no, it's not raining. Wow. 
[00:31:34] FAWN: Wow. Or I didn't, I'm not seeing the drops, you know, so, no, it's not raining yet. And I could tell she said that because she didn't want it to rain cuz she was doing stuff outside. Right. But the no was still there, like, no, do you know what I'm saying?
[00:31:47] FAWN: Mm-hmm. Absolutely. Instead of saying, oh no, it was like, no, you're wrong, you're wrong. Or 
[00:31:54] MATT: even just saying, but I'm, I'm, I'm sure there's a couple drops. I got 25 things to do. So hopefully I'll be able to get those done. 
[00:32:02] FAWN: And this works in relationships, or I should say it doesn't make relationships work because how many generations in American society, how parents don't want to understand their children because they're doing things in a way that's not done that they didn't do right.
[00:32:21] FAWN: someone you know in our family like don't want to hear or look at the change, they won't accept it. They don't, they don't accept you because you are not their way. When you don't do things their way, when you don't think their way, it threatens their self-identity. And that's where the friction comes in.
[00:32:45] FAWN: That's where the separation comes in. That's why, families don't get along. I mean, hello politics anyone in the United States?!
[00:32:58] FAWN: Anyway, so how can we deal with this? I think we really need to have go. Just going back to the self-identity thing, number one, should we just examine, Hey, is my identity wrapped up in this? Maybe it shouldn't be. Is my identity, the fact that I am my job, that I'm a photographer, that if that doesn't work out, then my life is over.
[00:33:30] FAWN: Is my identity that I'm a mom that takes care of everything, but the kids are now old enough now they're taking care of stuff. They're cooking and they're taking care of the laundry. Like, what am I here for now? And that's my identities. Like the kids were my identity for a while. They still are, always will be.
[00:33:52] FAWN: But what I'm saying is, what, what, what am I supposed to do now? Do you know what I'm saying? Absolutely. I'm trying to think of different ways where we're so tied. We're so leashed tethered to self-identity that we refuse to grow because we just need to hold on to something. 
[00:34:13] MATT: And the trick is, is not necessarily grow, it's just change and adapt.
[00:34:17] MATT: It's not, not necessarily 
[00:34:19] FAWN: move. Transform. Right, transform, exactly. But that is growing
[00:34:25] FAWN: anyway. So your approach. To this cuz I'm like, how do I handle this situation? What did you say to me? Uh, oh, what did I say? It was like you can't really get involved, just, you gotta move along your own way or something like that. If 
[00:34:41] MATT: somebody is just continually like, wants to put a big roadblock in your way, yes.
[00:34:47] MATT: Take a moment. Figure out whether or not if what they're saying has merit to you in this space at this time. And if it doesn't, then you need to like leave it by 
[00:34:56] FAWN: the side of the road. But, but Matt, I was saying, Hey look, I'm feeling like I'm getting shade from these women now. Right? I feel like they're upset with me because I'm, I'm, because you're 
[00:35:09] MATT: not fitting in a nice pretty little bow, right?
[00:35:11] FAWN: So how do I deal with that? And you said just, what did you say? 
[00:35:16] MATT: Sounds like I would say something like, walk on your 
[00:35:18] FAWN: path. You basically said you have to not care about it. Yes. And just, just do your own thing. Empty jacket, but, but how is that conducive to continuing a 
[00:35:28] MATT: friendship? It isn't, but that's just it.
[00:35:31] MATT: They're saying it's my way or the highway. Well, guess what? See, I disagree heading out on that highway. No, but that's just it. You have to have the mindset of I'm ready to head out on the highway for them to start to listen to you. Sometimes people only come to recognition that things aren't the way they perceive it.
[00:35:50] MATT: When somebody clearly shows them that things aren't the way they perceive it and they don't 
[00:35:55] FAWN: care about, but then you have to show them that you're still open to them. Right? And 
[00:36:01] MATT: that's, that's a tricky bit. And for me, it infers stepping away and then maybe stepping back. 
[00:36:07] FAWN: And I think that comes in, like you have to give them signals that
[00:36:13] FAWN: much like taking care of a feral cat, right? You want to help the cat out, you're offering water or a bowl of milk or something, right? Mm-hmm. You're knowing that this cat is not open to you going up and petting it, right? But you're offering a bowl, right? And saying it's safe, but I will walk away. Right?
[00:36:36] FAWN: You can choose to come and take these offerings, right? I think that's how I'm going to handle 
[00:36:41] MATT: it. Right? But again, that's detach. You're detached from the 
[00:36:44] FAWN: situation, right? That's what you said. You have to detach yourself. And I'm like, oh honey, that's terrible. It 
[00:36:50] MATT: is. It is flipping God awful. But you know what?
[00:36:54] MATT: If the other person is refusing to listen to you and they have emotional energy around not listening to you. Then you can either destroy yourself, trying to please them, welcome to most people's parental issues, or you have to find a different path. And that's the path that I've 
[00:37:11] FAWN: found. So that's it. I just wanna leave it at that.
[00:37:14] FAWN: I'm just saying these are the ways we would handle it. Let us know what you think. How would you handle it? How do you handle it? How do you think our society should be handling it? Let us know. Thank you for listening, guys. Again, major love and respect. Thank you so much for listening. Love you. We'll talk to you in a few days.
[00:37:36] FAWN: Be well.